Monday, April 11, 2011

the real deal.

I already know that most of this post is going to sound sort of silly...but that is the kind of thing I'm trying to care less about. So here we go.

Some times things just feel so much more real than others. Today I was driving home from class and I felt real. I felt like the spirit of God was around me. Not for any particular reason--I wasn't immersed in prayer or calling on His name, I wasn't thinking of anything particularly profound. There was just a presence. I don't know why, or how I was supposed to respond, and I think my response was just to be. I am real and this is my very short life. What an odd thought. I'm somewhat astounded by the truth of it.

A lot of the time, I am waiting for things. I'm doing that now as I wait to hear back from Chapman to make my college decision, as I wait to move out of this house, as I wait to discover the relationships God has for me. I'm finding out that there is a way to wait that doesn't steal from the present or detract from it. I feel very present right now. I feel present because I have some bruises and my eyes hurt and my skin is soft from shower water and my fingertips are pressing keys. I'm feeling very aware of myself today and of how I interact with others. It's almost like I'm hearing my voice as if I were someone else. I'm not sure I like it. I'm feeling very unresolved, and very authentic. That part makes me feel okay. I think that in all of this strange state, I mostly feel like there are those groanings from the Holy Spirit that are too deep for words going on inside me. I've never sensed that before. It could be happening now.

This post itself is going to be very unresolved, and for that, I do not apologize. Thank you for also being real today. I love you guys.

9 comments:

  1. doesn't it feel great! and fresh! I rejoice for you and this present feeling you are getting. I will be praying for His direction and that you will be ready to hear Him.

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  2. Woah this is cool. I like that you (and I) cannot fully understand what is going on. If we could fully understand God, He would look a lot like us. And who wants to serve and worship a God that looks like us?
    I am encouraged by a surprise encounter of God's presence, his Spirit. Press into His glory and see what happens. We're never the same after we experience that.

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  3. sweet deal! Great experience you just had there and I am glad you shared :) I have had similar things happen, where I just don't understand why I feel so connected to God. Usually for me, I just look into how I have been lately in my relationship with God and I realize that it has been growing and growing and it is at a totally new stage. So for me I find it an encouragement from God that I am doing something right. Doesn't really sound like what is happening to you, but who knows. Maybe. Just thought I'd share.

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  4. I miss you and you are truly amazing. I want to spend more time with you and I thank you & the Lord for your authenticity. You help me learn, you make me grow. Your words are so good & your laughter makes me laugh. Can we please be friends & see each other soon? You are beautiful and incredibly yourself, unique, without caring much about others judgments and this is good for my soul to witness.

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  5. First, this isn't silly at all...and I loved, loved, loved reading this. It makes me want to be present, and think about my fingers pressing on these keys right now :) Second, what a beautiful thing to be in the presence of God, even when we aren't actually "pursuing" Him in a specific moment. I think that says something really incredible about our God. Third, I seriously LOVED hearing you read your poetry the other night at the Japan Benefit. Loved. You were stunning. Please read for us again sooooooon!

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  6. I love you so much bay. oh and I think I might miss you like crazy. the fifteen minutes I saw you at pdm was not enough, especially because I was only watching you, creepy? um this is wonderful, like you. you are so great bayley. I admire your self awareness so much. you are able to feel things so deeply and intimately and I love that. waiting... it is SO hard. after I write this I'm going to pray for strength and comfort in that. I want you to have a clear mind through all of this, remember that little piece of paper next to my bed, sober minded, we want that. we need that. wherever you go, I know it will be wonderful. I know it will be hard, but I know you will learn and grow so much. in the few months that I have known you, you have already learned and grown so much. it has been a blessing to experience, you are a blessing my darling bay. you are the real deal.

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  7. First off, I had a great time last night with you. I feel like you have so much wisdom and love. Thank you for sharing your real moment with God. It sounds so amazing and impactful for you. God is moving in you. I am so excited for God's plan for you!

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  8. I also agree that this is not silly at all. That is awesome that God is making you more aware of His presence and your surroundings and His Spirit. We can't understand fully who or what God is doing but we can trust Him. I'm excited to see how God continues to work in you. Love you!!!

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