I already know that most of this post is going to sound sort of silly...but that is the kind of thing I'm trying to care less about. So here we go.
Some times things just feel so much more real than others. Today I was driving home from class and I felt real. I felt like the spirit of God was around me. Not for any particular reason--I wasn't immersed in prayer or calling on His name, I wasn't thinking of anything particularly profound. There was just a presence. I don't know why, or how I was supposed to respond, and I think my response was just to be. I am real and this is my very short life. What an odd thought. I'm somewhat astounded by the truth of it.
A lot of the time, I am waiting for things. I'm doing that now as I wait to hear back from Chapman to make my college decision, as I wait to move out of this house, as I wait to discover the relationships God has for me. I'm finding out that there is a way to wait that doesn't steal from the present or detract from it. I feel very present right now. I feel present because I have some bruises and my eyes hurt and my skin is soft from shower water and my fingertips are pressing keys. I'm feeling very aware of myself today and of how I interact with others. It's almost like I'm hearing my voice as if I were someone else. I'm not sure I like it. I'm feeling very unresolved, and very authentic. That part makes me feel okay. I think that in all of this strange state, I mostly feel like there are those groanings from the Holy Spirit that are too deep for words going on inside me. I've never sensed that before. It could be happening now.
This post itself is going to be very unresolved, and for that, I do not apologize. Thank you for also being real today. I love you guys.