Wednesday, April 27, 2011

messy mess.

Here's the thing. I am just feeling very burnt out right now.

I've closed three nights in a row at work, I've had classes early and all day, I'm getting sick, I have a paper due on a book I haven't read, and, to top it all off, I came home to my parents' American Idol party at our house tonight. I assure you there is nothing less peaceful than a group of eight middle-aged people watching that show after a few bottles of wine.

I've been getting really upset with people at work the past couple of days. When people try to cut corners, it really gets under my skin. I'm trying to be patient, to remember that it isn't my responsibility, to focus on the fact that it's not really a big deal, but it really really bothers me.

I've been trying to focus on an eternal perspective when I get so frustrated and impatient. I really ask what Christ would do in the situation and the answer is that He would humbly and peacefully go about doing His work. I think. So that's what I'm doing, but at the same time, all of this stress and resentment is welling up in me, and that certainly is not what Christ wants for me.

I'm trying to hold it all together, but instead I'm just sitting here crying.

What I'm mostly realizing is that I'm just TRYING really hard right now, and it's not working for me.

I know these things are not big things. But I am not capable of feeling that. So that's all unresolved and I'm just feeling like a messy mess. I don't know what I want or need right now.

Gosh, there's so much I wanted to write about, but I can't do it right now.

I love you guys. I'm sorry.

Monday, April 25, 2011

not mine.

I'll write soon, but for now, here is this poem by Jessica Goodfellow that I'm currently reading and re-reading about five times a day.

The Invention of Fractions 

God himself made the whole numbers: everything else
is the work of man.

                                                 —Leopold Kronnecker 

God created the whole numbers:
the first born, the seventh seal, 
Ten Commandments etched in stone,
the Twelve Tribes of Israel — 
Ten we've already lost — 
forty days and forty nights,
Saul's ten thousand and David's ten thousand.
'Be of one heart and one mind' — 
the whole numbers, the counting numbers.

It took humankind to need less than this;
to invent fractions, percentages, decimals.
Only humankind could need the concepts
of splintering and dividing,
of things lost or broken,
of settling for the part instead of the whole.

Only humankind could find the whole numbers,
infinite as they are, to be wanting;
though given a limitless supply,
we still had no way
to measure what we keep
in our many-chambered hearts.

Monday, April 11, 2011

the real deal.

I already know that most of this post is going to sound sort of silly...but that is the kind of thing I'm trying to care less about. So here we go.

Some times things just feel so much more real than others. Today I was driving home from class and I felt real. I felt like the spirit of God was around me. Not for any particular reason--I wasn't immersed in prayer or calling on His name, I wasn't thinking of anything particularly profound. There was just a presence. I don't know why, or how I was supposed to respond, and I think my response was just to be. I am real and this is my very short life. What an odd thought. I'm somewhat astounded by the truth of it.

A lot of the time, I am waiting for things. I'm doing that now as I wait to hear back from Chapman to make my college decision, as I wait to move out of this house, as I wait to discover the relationships God has for me. I'm finding out that there is a way to wait that doesn't steal from the present or detract from it. I feel very present right now. I feel present because I have some bruises and my eyes hurt and my skin is soft from shower water and my fingertips are pressing keys. I'm feeling very aware of myself today and of how I interact with others. It's almost like I'm hearing my voice as if I were someone else. I'm not sure I like it. I'm feeling very unresolved, and very authentic. That part makes me feel okay. I think that in all of this strange state, I mostly feel like there are those groanings from the Holy Spirit that are too deep for words going on inside me. I've never sensed that before. It could be happening now.

This post itself is going to be very unresolved, and for that, I do not apologize. Thank you for also being real today. I love you guys.