Tuesday, May 31, 2011

closer to honesty.

This last month has been such a whirlwind. I'm shocked that May is over. With work, finals, all the out of town visitors staying at my house, waiting to hear from Chapman, I just don't know where the time has gone. I made some really beautiful memories. I also had some really intense conversations. I'm processing a whole lot and I'm going to try to hit on a lot of these things right now.

Let's start with Chapman. I'm in! And I'm stoked. I was on campus today with my mama to submit my enrollment deposit. It just felt so real all of a sudden. A woman I went on a Rock Harbor trip to New Orleans with works for housing and happened to text me today, so we met up and she introduced me to a woman who helps students find off-campus housing. I'm moving out! It'll be a lot to figure out where and with who I'll be living, but I'm stoked. The school just seems normal. And I think I need normal right now, haha.

Out of town visitors. This one gets broken down.

Sean and Amanda. Sean and Amanda are just two of my absolute best friends. I love them. I can't believe they exist. I just love them too much. We have so much intense history together from our time in nola and I feel bonded to them in a very unique way. We laugh so hard together and understand each other, even when we don't feel the same way. Just adoration for those two. It was awfully hard to say goodbye.

Adam and Casey. These are two guys that I was romantically involved with, both with girlfriends now, both staying in my house. Being with Adam was frustrating and difficult as all of us (Sean, Amanda, Adam's sister, and myself) felt ignored and uncared for in his presence. He was here for such a short time, but his new relationship seems to have some dependent tendencies, and I think we were hoping to be made a priority. Silly, but still, it was hurtful. And then Casey and I ended up having this crazy intense conversation about everything that happened between us. It was partially him apologizing. When I visited New Orleans a couple months ago, he pretty much yelled at me about how reckless I am with love, how I need to be more cautious, how I use art as an excuse to toy with people's hearts, and it's not always a good idea to tell someone how you feel. It's funny that most of you probably haven't seen that side of me. Hmm. Anyway, he apologized, explained that he wishes he were more like that, told me about a lot of things I didn't know when it comes to our relationship.

Avery. I am so blessed to know that girl. Avery doesn't believe in God. So seeing Circles and interacting with the slices was a very different experience for her. She was touched by the joy and warmth she saw in you guys at breakfast on Friday, but confused and frustrated with a lot of things that happened on Saturday. She also was interested in a lot though. We had some really honest conversations on the way to the airport. I feel free with Avery--free to admit that I don't know everything about what I believe in. Free not to be defensive or scared. Free to express my frustrations and joys. She has a beautiful soul.

It's hard to say so many goodbyes to people you care for so deeply. My heart aches. I try not to think about it too much.

Now in stark contrast to the last few weeks, I finally have spare time and time alone. School is over, all the guests have gone, and I have this sweet housesitting job that gets me a ton of space all on my own. When I'm not working, I've spent almost every second by myself here. It's strange, to be alone so much, but I needed it more than anything. I seriously feel like this is a gift from God. As much as I love this time on my own, I'm also sad because when I have invited people over, it hasn't worked out, and I can't help but be reminded of the sense that I don't have that family of friends that I had in high school or back in New Orleans. Honestly, I miss the feeling of belonging I had. Even if it was because we were throwing up and blacking out together. Even if it was because we all tried to force down breakfast together, completely nauseous and hungover. Sometimes I'd rather have that than nothing at all.

And right here, I'm going to try to be pretty honest. I must say, I'm afraid. But I want to reflect a little on my time in Circles, on what it's reminded me of about Christian culture as a whole. I feel like I go back and forth with Circles. There are a few exceptions to this, a few people that I feel have made a commitment to me, that are willing to invest in me, and accept my love and time in return as well. But for the most part, I get really stoked on the idea of it for a while, and then I go to the group to share something and feel ignored or like I'm not taken seriously or like I'm not Christian enough. I think there are a lot of things I say that cross the line as a defense mechanism; it gives me something to blame the feelings of rejection and inadequacy on. Honestly, so much of the Christian phrases and words we use feel false to me--feel like a byproduct of an exclusive social club that takes the name of Jesus as a sort of secret password. I know that we share that name, but...I don't know. I'm having a hard time expressing myself. I understand that this isn't edifying or encouraging, but I don't always know how to be. I think what I said a little earlier in this post is what a lot of it boils down to: I don't feel Christian enough. So much of the time. And I don't know where that leaves me. But this is me, expressing it to a group that I made a commitment to. I must say, I'm thankful for this group. I'm sure it doesn't sound like it right now, but this time has been good. I've learned a lot about myself, about others, about how the spiritual world may or may not interact with the physical world.

That's all for now. I am very unresolved.