Wednesday, April 27, 2011

messy mess.

Here's the thing. I am just feeling very burnt out right now.

I've closed three nights in a row at work, I've had classes early and all day, I'm getting sick, I have a paper due on a book I haven't read, and, to top it all off, I came home to my parents' American Idol party at our house tonight. I assure you there is nothing less peaceful than a group of eight middle-aged people watching that show after a few bottles of wine.

I've been getting really upset with people at work the past couple of days. When people try to cut corners, it really gets under my skin. I'm trying to be patient, to remember that it isn't my responsibility, to focus on the fact that it's not really a big deal, but it really really bothers me.

I've been trying to focus on an eternal perspective when I get so frustrated and impatient. I really ask what Christ would do in the situation and the answer is that He would humbly and peacefully go about doing His work. I think. So that's what I'm doing, but at the same time, all of this stress and resentment is welling up in me, and that certainly is not what Christ wants for me.

I'm trying to hold it all together, but instead I'm just sitting here crying.

What I'm mostly realizing is that I'm just TRYING really hard right now, and it's not working for me.

I know these things are not big things. But I am not capable of feeling that. So that's all unresolved and I'm just feeling like a messy mess. I don't know what I want or need right now.

Gosh, there's so much I wanted to write about, but I can't do it right now.

I love you guys. I'm sorry.


  1. don't be sorry bayley. you have nothing to be sorry for. the frustrations of life are not always something that can be brushed off and I don't want you to feel like you are failing in any way by not being at perfect peace while trying to flippin' hard to be like Jesus during the messy mess. He is RIGHT there with you. Cling to this. When I get overwhelmed like this (hello, my last week of life where everything is tumbling again), I hear this whisper... it tells me to be still before Him and wait. when I am still, I try to focus enough to also ask Him to fill me with His love and strength so I may live as a reflection of Him... because oftentimes I get so overwhelmed because I think I am not able to because of circumstances. maybe this is true for you too. I am praying for you and for a time you can intentionally set aside to just sit with Him in stillness and silence, and let Him fill you up with more and more of HIM. He sustains. I've seen it in my own life. : )

  2. i dont know if this is heresy to like make up bible stories and enter you in them... but im going to do it. I just imagine you like in Jesus' time, hanging out with mary and mary magdeline (or whatever), and then the other women that followed Jesus, and you just loving Jesus so much and wanting to do the right thing so bad and wanting to please Him so bad and you're just bummed out because you can't seem to figure out the solution to overcome frustration at certain times, and youre just burnt out from striving and trying really hard. and then I imagine Jesus finding you under some sort of tree or next to a river or something and then He just says the PERFECT thing to you. Something along the lines of "I love you no matter what. You'll never be perfect. Rest in my love, Bayley." Or something like that. And it wouldnt just feel like words on a blog but rather it would be Jesus speaking directly to your heart and it would be easy to feel His amazing love towards you. I dont know what those perfect words are, but im praying that you will seek God in prayer and His word and that He will say those perfect words to you; and He will...
    much love!

  3. i realize now that putting words in Jesus' mouth was a bad idea. maybe He would have said, "You have not yet reached perfection..." ? who knows. I could see that being a game that Christians play. "GUESS THE WORDS JESUS MOST LIKELY WOULD HAVE SPOKEN!" YAYYYYY! im in such a weird mood right now. and idk why im choosing to take it out on your blog. im sorry...

  4. Your first paragraph is a cry for peace. Your second is a cry for integrity. Your third is a cry for Christ. All of these things are BIG things. Not at all little. Sometimes things are a messy mess, a lot of time things are actually, but in the mess we do grow and learn. Summer is coming, you are moving out soon, you will get more rest and you will find more peace and you will be able to look back on this time and be like wow, that sucked, but I stayed in Christ and He got me through it and I gained patience and endurance. Integrity and righteousness are things that God upholds and brings you into a clearer and more intimate view of Him. I don't know in what ways people are cutting corners at PDM (I just said it how Meesh would out loud), but I do know that if it is sinful or deceptive, that will make things even more messy for you spiritually, so because you are staying away from that, you are staying and becoming even more sober minded, which we love. Also, I'm sure that people at work know that you are a Christian and you are setting a good example, which is definitely a form of evangelism. Yay. Lastly, it is so clear in this that you are yearning to be more Christ like. What a beautiful thing to want to be like. You are a beautiful soul and I am so proud of you for enduring the little messes, that are really big internal messes. I don't know if any of that made sense, but I love you. Exciting news is coming and friends are visiting soon. Rejoice pretty girl.

  5. Surprise, its me, your Rin.

    mmmk, I love you & I am praying for you. Thank you for Saturday. I am sorry if I kept you from the beach the next morning. I admire you & I want you to be happy. No tears allowed unless its due to incredibe amounts of laughter. My commets to you aren't super spiritual, hope you don't mind ;) But, I love you, Jesus loves you, and we need to have dinner again soon. Dude the three comments above me are sups long.

    postivies: you're done writing that paper-- though I was not much help, you're seeking an eternal persepctive (high five), its okay to be a beautiful mess because Jesus makes beautiful things out of us :)


  6. I think God is pleased with your passion to seek His face and look at things with an eternal perspective. It's difficult to do that all the time. But here's the will never be able to TRY hard enough! none of us can!! We can only surrender. As we sacrifice to Him our limp and tired bodies, He carries us. He will carry you. Find your peace in your efforts but mostly in surrender knowing that HE knows what you need!

    "...for your Father knows what you need before you ask him." Matthew 6:8

  7. Wednesday lunch! It was awesome having lunch with you and Nick. I'm glad we talked about you most of the time- in a way, it helped me process some of the decisions that I also will have to make by the end of May.

    A lot of the words that I am receiving from God lately is to let go of trying so hard to plan everything out, and take that leap of faith in trusting him.

    Also...Native Foods was pretty good. A bit bland, though...I'll try the Ghandi thing next time. :)

  8. Bayley,
    "He would humbly and peacefully go about doing His work." amen.

    I think it makes God soooo happy to watch his daughter walk obediently the way you are...not making a legalistic stink to your co-workers for their actions, and for your choosing godliness not only when it aligns with drastic circumstances and exciting, positive change; but when it requires monotonous obedience when you're on empty.

    Praying for you to welcome valleys as long as God wants to keep you there, and for strength and eyes to see what the Spirit is showing you in them.

    Use the Body. Believers desire to truly live in community, people will be blessed if you call and ask, "Can you please handle this and that for me? - I'm so drained right now."

  9. Bailey I love that you are sharing your frustration. You don't need to be sorry and you don't need to keep "trying" or "striving." I think something that God has been showing me over and over is to "Be still and know that He is God." Make sure you are resting and spending time with Him so that He can speak to you and fill you up and give you the strength to deal with all the people in your life. Continue to seek after Him and be obedient. He loves you so much and wants to carry the burdens for you. He wants to use you and speak to you throughout your day. It is so important to be able to share with others what is going and to release what you are feeling. Never feel bad to share your frustrations with God and let Him hear you. Love you Miss Bailey :)

  10. What I'm mostly realizing is that I'm just TRYING really hard right now, and it's not working for me.

    ahhh! that is the story for so many of us. praying freedom from trying.

    cease striving and know that I am God. Ps. 46:10